And trust me; I take this stuff seriously. Exhibit A: my 2010 creation. 2 hours and fifteen minutes of carving “Happy Halloween” into scraggly tree branches:
Just look at that hair. That’s the hairstyle of a girl who took on a pumpkin. And won, dammit.
So naturally, I was excited to learn that I actually had free time to carve pumpkins this year, unlike last year. I was so excited, in fact, that I decided to try and do three pumpkins. In one night. Because it was the only night I had off from work. Yeah, that counts as free time.
So we went and bought four pumpkins total so my mom could carve one with me. When we got back home, it was around six in the evening, so I decided I better get crackin’. Now, I am not an expert pumpkin carving connoisseur (yet), so I do always work from a pattern. But I try and choose ridiculous and unorthodox patterns because, well, that’s just how I roll.
I started looking online for some cool ones to print out, and I stumbled across a few good candidates. I decided there was no way I could pass up doing a Gangnam Style pumpkin, so I pounced on that pattern and began there.
Then my cat decided to try and help:
But he got bored and just ended up carrying away the top to my pumpkin and munching on it…
The PSY pumpkin only took me about an hour. It was a good warmup and precursor to my big project.
His hand fell out, so it looked a little more jacked up than it should. But oh well. Still a funny choice for my first pumpkin. And my mom’s pumpkin turned out freakin’ adorable!
I couldn’t wait to get started on my next choice of patterns, so I just jumped into that one next. Once I came across it online, I knew I had to carve it, and that it was either going to turn out amazing, or completely awful. There was no in between, and it was do or die. It was a hellish Spiderman design that took me FOUR AND A HALF hours to complete. I took a break in between because my eyes were starting to go buggy and my hand was hurting. I even broke my little saw blade at 1 a.m. and had to finish the rest of the tiny details with a much bigger one. Finally, at 2 a.m., this was the final product, and it was SO worth it:
The pumpkins went out on the porch in the morning. And then, just like every single episode of Behind the Music in existence, “tragedy struck.”
Spiderman may be able to duke it out with the Green Goblin. He may be able to stomp all over Doc Oc. But dude can take some serious damage from squirrels and just let it happen. Spidey senses were not a-tinglin’ that morning.
Four and a half hours of my blood, sweat, and pumpkiny tears. Eaten by squirrels in less than an hour after being put on the porch. I have never been so scorned by small, furry animals. And I have never wanted to own a BB gun more in my life.
Of course, the squirrels didn’t touch my Gangnam Style pumpkin. Or my mom’s pumpkin. Which both took much less than four and a half hours and did not take until 2 a.m. to finish with a crappy saw blade. Why would they? Squirrels have no shame, and no pity. Just spiteful little squirrely fangs and claws that tear Spiderman’s face off and leave it all over the porch around him, as if to humiliate him further. And though I refuse to avenge his unholy defacing because I don’t have a BB gun and I don’t believe in animal cruelty, I came extremely close to hucking some rocks or something. Rest in peace, Spidey. It’s over now.
And the real clincher: I didn't even have time to carve my third pumpkin. And I still may, since Halloween is two days away. But I just don't think it's going to happen. I've been defeated by pumpkins this year.
What are you doing for Halloween? Did you carve pumpkins, and if so, what were they? Are they still intact?
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