MRE

I have a lot of friends in the military. But when you show up at one of their houses to hang out with them and they’ve got MREs strewn across their bed, things get interesting and curiosity takes over.



For those of you who don’t know, MRE stands for “Meal, Ready to Eat” (or as some put it, Meal, Regurgitated Easily) and is what the military gives our armed forces when they go on training exercises, deployment, or basically anywhere where food is not readily available. They are dehydrated meals in easy-to-carry packages, and all you do is add water. They crack me up because they try to pass off as gourmet meals, such as “Vegetable Lasagna,” “Meatballs in Marinara Sauce,” and “Beef Stew.” In case you’re wondering, they’re not exactly 5-star restaurant quality.

My friend had these left over from the training exercise he just did in California, and he had “Chili with Beans” open already, so I started to investigate. I’ve heard all about these things, but I’ve never seen them in person. I attribute that partially to the fact that I’m not military and partially to the fact that I’ve heard them described as the real weapons of mass destruction.

He showed me the details behind MREs. This is the contents of the Chili and Beans package alone:



That is a spoon, the bag you put it all in to heat it up, crackers, cornbread, chili and beans, cheese sauce, “beverage base orange powder,” a package with seasonings, and a “chocolate chip ranger bar.” My friend then explained to me that the package with the seasonings (shown bottom right) is a mystery grab bag, and then warned me not to eat the gum. When I asked why, he said it’s the equivalent of a laxative because “these things will get you backed up.” Needless to say, I didn’t touch that package again.



This is a close up on the cheese sauce. Note that the last line explains that any ingredient with a star next to it is “ingredients not in regular cheese.” You also have to “knead package before opening.”

If this wasn’t enough to ask me what the hell we feed our military, the preparation instructions dumbfounded me.



You put the chili and beans into this bag, and add water. But here’s the clincher:



This warning is on the top of the plastic bag. If you’ve ever used those little handwarmers that heat up when you rub them, then you’ll understand this warning. Because they essentially have that as a heating element at the bottom of the bag. But the warning tells you “vapors released by activated heater contain hydrogen,” so your meal is now flammable, and “hot water leakage can burn and cause a cold-weather injury.” You should also avoid “drink[ing] the water remaining in the bag or use it in food items.” This meal could turn harmful in two seconds if you’re not careful. And from what I hear, it’s harmful to your digestive system after you eat it, too.

I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t eat any of this. I’m not part of the military, and I’m not that badass or desperate for food. But I did take a bite of the “chocolate chip ranger bar.” And let me tell ya, if they made chocolate flavored charcoal, it would be called a chocolate chip ranger bar.

Does anyone else question this? Like, I understand the thought behind it; it’s easy, it’s portable, it doesn’t NEED to be any fancier than this. But seriously?